How to Face the Fears that Ruin Our Relationships
The following is excerpted from a sermon by Pastor Rick Warren, Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA.
There are three fundamental fears we all face that cause us to act in ways that harm our relationships. And they all started in the Garden of Eden. When Adam and Eve sinned, first they felt exposed (leading to distancing from God), second, they felt disapproval (leading to defensiveness) and, finally, they felt a loss of control (leading to being demanding).
The Three Fundamental Fears and Our Related Responses
The Fear of Exposure – makes us distant. When we’re afraid of vulnerability, of being honest, of letting people see us how we really are, our fear of exposure makes us distant. When Adam and Eve sinned, God called to Adam, “Why are you hiding?” Adam said, “I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (Genesis 3:9-10). Adam felt exposed, naked, so he hid, he tried to distance himself from God. One of our deepest needs is to be loved, but one of our deepest fears is the fear of being seen for who we really are.
Four Stages of Damage the Fear of Exposure Does to a Relationship
Shame – …they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness (Genesis 3:7) Once they disobeyed God, shame was the first thing that entered.
Embarrassment - It makes us more self-conscious; makes us nervous. We’ll do anything to avoid embarrassment.
The Cover-up – …so they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves up (Genesis 3:7). But we use other ways – some use humor, but don’t let anyone get close to them; maybe trying to project an image of having it all together (the right clothes, hair, car, etc.); online image (looks like everything is great in their life, but, it’s not). We cover up.
Distance from God – Then they hid from God among the trees (Genesis 3:8). We distance ourselves from others.
There’s a lot in us we don’t like. The things we don’t like in ourselves we don’t want others seeing; we fear they won’t accept us. The closer we let people get, the more they see our faults. What are you hiding from and pretending isn’t a problem because of the fear of facing the truth?
Fear of Disapproval – makes us defensive. Once God engaged them, they became defensive and the finger-pointing started. God said, “Did you eat what I told you not to eat?” Adam answered, “You gave me this woman and she gave me the fruit!” (Genesis 3:12). So Adam not only blamed Eve, he blamed God for giving her to him! Then Eve said, “The snake tricked me into eating!” (Genesis 3:13). So Eve turned around and blamed the snake. Pointing fingers. Moving from hiding to hurling (insults, accusations, etc.). The more critical (perfectionistic) a person is the more you know they fear disapproval. The more I fear disapproval in my life, the more I’m going to point fingers at other people.
Fear of Losing Control – makes us demanding. The more out of control we feel, the more controlling we become. The more insecure we are, the more we need to get our way. God said to them, “You’ll have yearning for your husband, but he will lord it over you…” (Genesis 3:16). The war of the sexes started right there.
The Antidote is Love
Wherever God’s love is, there is no fear. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love (1 John 4:18). Three things to do to live in God’s love - surrender, remember and offer.
Surrender – every day surrender your heart to God. The closer you get to God, the more love will fill your heart; the further away you get from God, the more fear will fill your heart. Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer, and give up your sins — even those you do in secret. Then you won’t be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless. Your troubles will go away like water beneath a bridge, and your darkest night will be brighter than noon. You will rest safe and secure, filled with hope and emptied of worry (Job 11:13-18).
Remember – every day remember the way God loves you. Remind yourself every day what God thinks about you – not what the world thinks – but what God thinks. Three things God thinks about you:
You are completely accepted – Rejection causes the deepest wounds (from parents, friends, people). We want to be accepted (even by strangers). But even though some of our actions and thoughts are not pleasing to God and cause us to be separated from him, Jesus makes us acceptable to God. Acknowledge those things in your life to God, turn away from them, and move on - fully forgiven and accepted. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! (Romans 8:1).
You are unconditionally loved - God doesn’t love us if, or when; He loves us. My love for you will never end (Isaiah 54:10).
You are valuable to God - You are considered extremely valuable by God. Two things make anything valuable: Who owns it and what someone is willing to pay for it. God owns us. We’re children of God. And Jesus bought us. You’ve been bought and paid for by Christ’s death (1 Corinthians 7:23)
Offer – Every day offer that same love to others. The same love that God gives to you, offer to everyone else you come into contact with. I’m giving you a new commandment: Love each other in the same way that I have loved you (John 13:34). Accept one another just as Christ accepted you (Romans 15:7). We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19).
Go, face the fears that ruin your relationships.
